Coronation news- latest

April 29, 2023, 6:55 am , by Richard Lutz

Our Royal Editor Sir Howard Elston reports on the forthcoming crowning of Charles III

I am sitting in the front parlour of Windsor Castle (writes Lord Elston) as my buddy Charles greets me. I want to know about the big knees-up next week end. Here are edited highlights on this exclusive sitdown:

Me: Chuck…the big man hisself. Rock on

Charley: Yes, yes, very excited, very excited though heavy hangs the head that wears the crown

Me: Your biggest thrill so far?

Charley: It’s moving the Testicle of Destiny from Auchtermuchty Castle down to England

Me: Please explain

Charley: After The Third Battle of Clackmannanshire, all that remained of Clan chief Tavish McTavish was shall we say his…ahem….left stone of destiny. By treasuring this piece of his privacy, we symbolise the glorious massacre of the Scottish bloodline and the happy union of our two great nations.

Me: So this Left Ball of…

Charley: Testicle..it’s a testicle…

Me: This Testicle of Destiny will be part of the crowning

Charley: Yes, I will sit on The McTavish Testicle for a whole night and then I’m allowed to handle The Prodigious Rod of Power

Me: And…?

Charley: And I hold my Prodigious Rod in my left hand and The McTavish testicle in my right and all is complete.

Me: Now, Charlie boy, I need to show you a painting of your predecessor Charles II:

Charley III: Good scowl, love the ruffle, and oh, those sensual lips… and I just adore that skimpy mustachio

Me (crawling on bended knee as His Highness rises): M’lord, an honour indeed and we will greet you with open arms upon your triumphant return to Planet Earth

Charley: Adieu, adieu. Off to a zoom call with Harry, Andy, Meghan and Rupert

Me: Should be a laugh.