Andy spills the beans
February 12, 2026, 5:02 pm , by Richard Lutz
Ex Prlnce Randy Andy talks exclusively to our correspondent SIR HOWARD ELSTON about his right royal place in history
SIR HOWARD: Andy, former Prince of Pork, delighted you have crawled out of your hole today.. What’s happening, bro’?
ANDY: Nothing.
SH: Seems like you sent Epstein top secret hush hush government info on gold investments in Afghanistan while trade envoy for Britain. Whatcha gotta say about that?
A: Nothing.
SH: (shuffles notes) Seems the BBC has seen a briefing note you forwarded in 2010 to Epstein which includes a list of “high value commercial opportunities” in Helmand province. Throw any light on that little doozie?
A: Nothing.
SH: Moving on, Mr Mountebank-Windsor, any further insights into the latest tranche of files about grubby Mr Epstein sending women to Britain?
A: (plays with his royal regalia and old military medals pinned to his fading uniform) Nothing.
SH: Last question, ‘cause I know you’re a busy man: got anything at all between your ears?
A: Nothing.
SH: Mr Mountebank, a pleasure indeed…
A: (as he leaves): And how much for the appearance payment…? Cash? Usual amount…
SH: (bowing deeply): Nothing.
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Andy, formerly known as Prince
I say old chap, I think you’re being bally ungracious, extracting the Michael from someone who has brought so much in the way of business to Britain. It may be dirty business but it was my business and it was good for my family. And isn’t it all about family ?
Anyway, blow you all. I’m off to Big Brother – no, not him. He hates me now – the tv show where I’ll just eat worms and my people will love me once again. And then, do you know what, I’ll be applying to appear on Love Island. After all, I’m an old hand at love islands… and apartments. They don’t call me Randy Andy for nothing. These days they have to pay.
Oh! Hello constable. Are you a strippergram?
Oh! Ok, I’ll come quietly
Alan Holland
Mountebank! Love it. I haven’t used that word in ages but it’s perfect. Cad, bounder. We should deploy such language more. Monocles should be revived too. What better way to demonstrate concentration than by screwing in one’s monocle and peering closely at something. What better way to express astonishment than by having it pop out spontaneously.
Now, where’s my Brylcreem and moustache wax?
Bella Houston
No comment is better than the replies we get from the US government
Ellen Vannin
😂
Fiona Roy
That made me smile – especially the bit where he won’t get paid
Ali Clement
Timely
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