The geography of a new coat

2 days ago , by Richard Lutz

Richard Lutz sadly learns the lessons of buying a winter jacket

Yes, indeed. Let’s turn our backs on Greenland, the latest British Tory traitor, shadow oil fleets and get down to the real grit.

I’ve scavenged through the remains of the Christmas sales and bought a new winter coat.

And this has suddenly brought on a storm of unrealised problems.

The zips are now in the wrong place, the secret pockets are not where they should be, new pockets surface daily, the collar doesn’t tuck around my chin as the old one did. But I have to quietly admit, the cuffs do a great job, a better job, of keeping freezing Scottish wind blowing up my arms.

I am, in effect, realising there is a geography to the clothes you wear. Your hands go automatically to your wallet which is safely lodged on the inside top pockets; your gloves are in each side-pocket, your keys are stored away on the right hand inside pouch. All is safe. All is secure. I could find these things in my sleep.

But now, in this new jacket (albeit with a 50% sales price), zippers have strangely disappeared. Someone, somewhere, somehow, in a design studio, has decided zippers are Out.

Fancy buttons

In comes bloody buttons which are difficult, believe me they can be difficult, on a bitter night when you are struggling for your keys. You end up with your gloves hurriedly stuffed somewhere (many times between your teeth) and your cold cold hands trying to unfasten a little fancy button in a half undone overcoat.

It comes down to learning a new landscape of what you wear.

Despite its age, despite its ragged cuffs and its patches of shiny overused fabric, you miss the old coat: it wasn’t as warm as the new thing, it did let in cold winds, but the chin was protected better, valuables felt more secure and, with my eyes closed in a dark alley, I could immediately locate the Big Three- keys, wallet, mobile. It was automatic.

I could feel them stored away; the jangle of keys, the wallet here and the phone there (like a digital heart) electronically beating away.

But not anymore. I have to learn The Geography of My New Coat. I need a map. A map to my new winter coat. A satnav for my new winter coat.

Albeit a warmer new winter coat.