This home of unknowns


RICHARD LUTZ is mystified


It’s not so much looking fruitlessly for things lost in my home as running across things I don’t recognise; I seem to exist in a home of unknown things.

Open a cupboard, a closet, a door and I’m confronted with instruments, apparati, devices, tools, that I don’t know anything about. For instance, what is this white implement, uncovered in the back of a kitchen drawer:


Or this, aptly described by one expert as a mini flange unit (the silver thing, not the hand):


Or this little sucker, unknown, tucked away for years if not decades (its sell-by date is in Latin) but definitely to be used with a 6cm wide grater.


And how about these cuties, these little fluffy balls of Something or Other:


That’s the kitchen. Now to that Great Undiscovered Land…aka my toolbox.

It’s a big re-enforced hunk of molded plastic. It’s called ‘Rough-House’ which appeals to me. And it sits comfortably below a cardboard box of potatoes and, above that, my prime collection of booze curated from the cheapest cut-rate supermarkets ever created by the gods of goods:

Rough-House is bound to cause mayhem, damage and personal injury by its contents that resemble rusted weaponry. Such as this, very useful I would think for a session of medieval eye-gouging:


Or this, obviously a public order rubber truncheon with necessary hand protector:


And what’s this yellow sucker thing (never mind how it got there) and its pal, that hard plastic hook with a strange hollow hole at the short end?

And, of course, who could call a toolbox a genuine Rough-House without a bespoke pair of pinking shears for those who like to, I guess, cut up pink things:

I could go on, into the laundry cupboard with its vast array of liquids, unguents, sprays and powders that have big skull and crossbones tattooed all over the labels advising me to keep away or else I won’t be around to celebrate my next birthday.

Or the garden shed which is rampacked with dangerous bigger tools (some with electrical cords or even small motors) that always seem to be rusted tight or successfully broken so as to halt any theoretical handiwork that is destined to fail anyway.

And don’t even think of my post modern car. Its unfathomable computer system throws up more questions than answers. Inside its glove box is a single forlorn Bandaid for a sore thumb or hangnail, a necessity when my car’s software suddenly rebels and veers into a ditch at 3am on a rainy Tuesday night.

And speaking of cars and tools, a footnote..

Volkswagen got in touch for a needed software re-boot. When I went to pick up the recalled Passat the next day, I was greeted with a slightly nervous smile. They couldn’t do the job. They couldn’t find the tool to carry out the job. It doesn’t exist. Maybe I have something in the bowels of my toughened plastic Rough-House. I’ll check and get back to them.

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12 Comments

  1. Phil Crabtree
    5 May 2025 at 7:20 am

    Grants Whisky?
    Really?
    For oiling your tools?

    Reply
  2. William Kerr
    5 May 2025 at 7:44 am

    I can relate to all of it.

    Reply
  3. Lorna Hankinson
    5 May 2025 at 8:33 am

    We’ve all got at least one “rough-house”. Some of us have several! The said “medieval eye-gouger” is for removing weeds from between slabs methinks! Good luck with finding uses for the others.

    Reply
  4. Megan Kemp
    5 May 2025 at 9:32 am

    Nice

    Reply
  5. Susan McClure
    5 May 2025 at 10:35 am

    😃🤣🤗yes I know the feeling. A year spent thoroughly sorting out my house to move to a much smaller one, brought all sorts of those things to light.

    I tell you that the first thing, the little white hollow tower, is for putting in a pie before putting the filling in, when there’s no lower pastry layer. It supports the top crust from falling in while the pie cooks, and helps the filling cook more evenly. You make a little cut in the top pastry, just over the hole in the top of the thing. Et voila! A well cooked pie with a good shape🤗 It’s got a name but I can’t recall it.

    Reply
  6. Len Sly
    5 May 2025 at 12:22 pm

    It reminds me of childhood family visits to the annual ‘Ideal Home’ exhibitions at the old Bingley Hall in 1960s Birmingham, when my parents staggered home with armfuls of the ‘must have’ gadgets – mostly plastic – which had been demonstrated on the kitchen stands at the exhibition. On arriving home the items were placed in drawers or cupboards, never to be seen again until the drawers were emptied

    Reply
  7. Old Grammarian
    5 May 2025 at 2:04 pm

    I have some suggestions and pernickity as ever, suggest that the plural of apparatus is ….. apparatus.? 4th declension.

    Reply
  8. FB
    5 May 2025 at 2:05 pm

    I know what the yellow sucker thing is because we’ve got one too. It’s for removing the flat-faced light bulbs that fit so snugly into their sockets that you can’t get them out any other way.

    Reply
  9. Will M. Travel
    5 May 2025 at 9:27 pm

    You need to give VW access to your Rough/-House

    Reply
  10. Nishi Khan
    6 May 2025 at 6:45 am

    Definitely a white pottery pie funnel steam vent

    Reply
  11. Alan Holland
    6 May 2025 at 7:25 am

    One thing I can assure you Richard, as soon as you chuck something out the very next day you’ll need it.

    Reply
  12. Mary Freeman
    8 May 2025 at 12:46 am

    OMG that made me laugh. We can definitely all relate. We have a drawer full of “found” items, little pieces of something but we know not what. We assume that only when we throw them out will we discover that they were essential and irreplaceable 🙂

    Reply

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