The Dickhead Tapes: Prince Charles and a spot of bother

November 12, 2021, 11:19 am , by Royalty desk

Richard Lutz flicks through unheard snippets of major interviews cut out by the editor’s scissors. Below: a sit down with Prince Charles

Interviewer: It is a pleasure indeed Prince Charles to allow me to grovel before you with my humble microphone and grateful notepad. How is Your Royal Beingness these days?

Chuck: Like most 73 year olds, y’know, the knees ache, funny brown spots on the back of hands, I’m watching my planet implode, the butler who applies dental paste to my toothbrush is ill and I’m waiting to start my first job 8 years after getting my state pension

Interviewer: Your Highness, there is a question regarding a certain Michael Fawcett…

Chuck: Never heard of him.

Interviewer: He was boss of your charity and had to resign because he….

Chuck: Ferguson? Does he shoot? Polo? Ascot? The arts?

Interviewer: ….because he was caught selling a knighthood and British nationality to an overseas donor to your trust. Cash for honours and all that.

Chuck: Sounds enterprising. But the name, sadly, doesn’t ring the old bell. Fowler, you said?

Interviewer: Fawcett. Worked under you for forty years.

Chuck: Nope, no bells ringing on that one.

Interviewer: Taking backhanders in the name of the crown. What he did wrong, it seems, was…

Chuck: Getting caught. That’s what he did wrong. Getting caught. Reminds me of a younger brother I once knew. Anyway, old chap, must run. Gardens to tend, leisure centres to open, tweeds to wear.

(His Highness, aka the Duke of Rothesay aka The Duke of Cornwall aka The Heir Apparent, re adjusts the Club tie, twiddles his Royal ring, exits stage left followed by a cloud of courtiers)